daily life as life goes on . . .

I find music touches me where nothing else can. 

This morning I was in my car, listening to a song that talked about, “when it feels like you can’t go on, you deliver me.”

I am going on, and enjoying life.

But, every once in awhile, the heart touches the head with a bump!  You are not always sure where the overpowering emotion bubbles up from.  You feel surrounded and you know that this has something to do with your loss and your grieving process. 

And so, you cry.  Not on a rational level.  Not for any good reason.  You just cry.

Then Jesus just “de-live-rs” (gives you what you need to live).  He gives you a liveliness that is unexpected but so appreciated. 

You go on, not in your own strength, but in that of Jesus.

What a great way to live!

Another card arrived today.  This one from an aunt and uncle.

I have appreciated the great outpouring of around 500 people attending memorial services to date, and almost 200 cards.  Jill was well liked and known in the community and amongst friends she had known over her 58 years.

These are a good reminder to me of the heritage I have received.

In some ways, as I have mourned, I have been a bystander.  I serve as executor of the estate, I’m the arranger of services and I try to step back so that others can mourn the loss of Jill.

At first I told stories.  Many to illustrate how Jill had affected our children, our friends and our church.  I suppose the fact that I use “our” meant that my original thoughts were to comfort those around me. 

But, as one astute observer mentioned – “Don’t think we are callous when we move on to the next thing.  We loved Jill, but other things will arise.”  Even in writing these thoughts I realize that I must not just fixate on Jill’s death – other things will and are arising in my life as well.

Not that I didn’t spend, and don’t continue to spend, “cry time.”  Two knit into one means that from my deepest being I cry out.  Some days I’m not sure why.  I just cry.  Other days aspects of Jill’s effect on my life are clear to me.

I do remember.  And I will remember .  And as life goes on, most of all I remember God is in control.

I feel like  I’m in the cloud of unknowing!

When I was driving back from my wife, Jill’s, death (a two hour drive from Saskatoon to Kindersley), I made the following remark to my son, Tim.

I’m a widower.  And I have no idea what that means

The words were true at the moment.  And continue to strike a chord in my life.  At first the chord was harmonious – I was active in scheduling memorial services, working on the estate and returning to pastoral duties.

Now the chord seems a bit more distant.  I still hear the call of Jill’s last sentence in her journal – “God is in control.”  Those words ring true, but some days distant.

What is clouding the music?   Reality.  For those who mourn, when the future overtakes the past, uncertainty begins to dominate the chord of life.

Which reminds me this morning.  Return to the major chord! 

God is in control, let all the earth keep silence!

Yesterday I sat with another mourner.  This one is mourning in anticipation.  His wife has cancer and the prognosis gives a short time line.

We have much in common.  Our wives were/are the custodians of certain areas of expertise.  My wife was a cook.  His cares for the administration and accounting.  Each of us is being thrown into unfamiliar territory, and we trust that the sharks are not circling.

I suppose his biggest question is “why”. 

I’d like to say I had a brilliant answer.  All I could do was sit silent – for a moment.  Then I merely gave a simplistic answer.  “God knows.” 

I’ve been pondering that response.  Truth flows from that statement.  But not all the answers.  I wish I knew why a few more years were not granted to Jill.  I wish I could say that I understand a need to take Jill from this life at this time.  I wish I could answer my fellow traveler that I know the reason for his wife’s demise.

God knows.  I merely peek into the past and squint into the future. 

For me, I have a hope that others do not.  I am assured of Jill’s final/present state.  She is in a better situation, with Jesus.  In many ways that triumphs my questions of why.  She left a body of deterioration for a position of perfection – a much more excellent state.

But often the question of why revolves around those left behind.  Once again, I anticipate my own future where I will once again be with Jill and Jesus!  And in the present I daily turn to Jesus to give me marathon strength and radical gratitude for each day. 

God knows and someday I’ll understand.  For now, it’s enough that God knows.