Monthly Archives: June 2012

I feel like  I’m in the cloud of unknowing!

When I was driving back from my wife, Jill’s, death (a two hour drive from Saskatoon to Kindersley), I made the following remark to my son, Tim.

I’m a widower.  And I have no idea what that means

The words were true at the moment.  And continue to strike a chord in my life.  At first the chord was harmonious – I was active in scheduling memorial services, working on the estate and returning to pastoral duties.

Now the chord seems a bit more distant.  I still hear the call of Jill’s last sentence in her journal – “God is in control.”  Those words ring true, but some days distant.

What is clouding the music?   Reality.  For those who mourn, when the future overtakes the past, uncertainty begins to dominate the chord of life.

Which reminds me this morning.  Return to the major chord! 

God is in control, let all the earth keep silence!

Yesterday I sat with another mourner.  This one is mourning in anticipation.  His wife has cancer and the prognosis gives a short time line.

We have much in common.  Our wives were/are the custodians of certain areas of expertise.  My wife was a cook.  His cares for the administration and accounting.  Each of us is being thrown into unfamiliar territory, and we trust that the sharks are not circling.

I suppose his biggest question is “why”. 

I’d like to say I had a brilliant answer.  All I could do was sit silent – for a moment.  Then I merely gave a simplistic answer.  “God knows.” 

I’ve been pondering that response.  Truth flows from that statement.  But not all the answers.  I wish I knew why a few more years were not granted to Jill.  I wish I could say that I understand a need to take Jill from this life at this time.  I wish I could answer my fellow traveler that I know the reason for his wife’s demise.

God knows.  I merely peek into the past and squint into the future. 

For me, I have a hope that others do not.  I am assured of Jill’s final/present state.  She is in a better situation, with Jesus.  In many ways that triumphs my questions of why.  She left a body of deterioration for a position of perfection – a much more excellent state.

But often the question of why revolves around those left behind.  Once again, I anticipate my own future where I will once again be with Jill and Jesus!  And in the present I daily turn to Jesus to give me marathon strength and radical gratitude for each day. 

God knows and someday I’ll understand.  For now, it’s enough that God knows.

My first regional supervisor in ministry, Bob Gould, once asked me if I would become a puppet in my ministry.  OK, the actual question was much more circumspect (politically correct), but that was the intent.

He had encountered Jill and knew she was quite strong.  I did too!  That’s why I married her.  I needed someone who could stand up to me.  Someone I could listen to with respect.

30 some years later, I would have to say that the marriage and ministry wasn’t so much about puppetry as about dancing.

As partners, we sometimes stepped on each other’s toes – and even got out of sync at times.  But we never doubted that we would come back to each other’s arms.  We never doubted that life was good – no, best – when we were together and not apart. 

Early on in our marriage we had become busy – both of us seeming to be in different places at the same time.  And never together.  One night we had one of those discussions all marriages need.  Some would call it a brawl!  When we were finished, I scrawled in crayon on a scrap piece of paper something like this, “We will work TOGETHER.”

The paper was lost – initially a magnet held the document on our filing cabinet and in our many moves from house to house, the scrap slipped away. 

But the thought was never lost – nor was the dance ever sweeter!!

I felt very privileged to be asked to attend a memorial for Jill at the Prince Albert Alliance Church where we had served for 11 years.  Two ladies, Beth Gobeil and Connie Warkentin, instigated the service.  Others joined in!  Over 100 attended.

Food was provided, a worship band appeared, people gave tributes and the evening was filled with courage for those grieving!  And that was not just me.  The tributes included the way Jill had impacted people – even in ways I did not realize.

One repeated impact was a song Jill had introduced back in the late 1990’s – “When the night is falling”.  Written by Dennis Jernigan, the song refers to God singing over us. 

More than one expressed how that short introduction – only given once – had inspired new hope in their lives.  We often come to worship services to sing to God – but do we realize that God sings to us (Zeph. 3:17)?

Here is the last verse of that song (applicable to Jill!):

When this life is over and the race is done, I will hear you calling, “Come” and I will come while you sing over me!

I wonder what song Jill is hearing right now??